


it was enough.

by jewishbarba



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 00:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15207047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewishbarba/pseuds/jewishbarba
Summary: “How did you know I was gay?” The question had been eating at him since they first met.“I didn’t… until I started flirting and complimenting you, and you started blushing like the Virgin Mary.” Sonny shrugged as if flirting with random guys was no big deal.





	it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> tw for homophobia (f slur), suicide, and bad writing.

_Starting high school at a new school his senior year was rough for Rafael, especially when he was surrounded by people who thought they were better than him and maybe they were._

_They were richer; they had a mother and a father; they got everything they wanted; they got new everything; and so on._

_He had his mami and abuelita, he had home cooked Cuban meals, he went to church every Wednesday and Thursday with his mami and abuelita (they wanted him to go more). That was it. And it was enough. Or he thought that was enough._

_Then he met Dominick “Sonny” Carisi on his first day of senior year. Sonny was all blue eyes and smiles, and light touching and flirting._

 

“I met Sonny on my first day of senior year. I had moved schools over the summer and I came into this school knowing no one. I was alone and it would have been easy for Sonny to keep walking when he saw me eating lunch by myself.” Rafael sighed, pushing at the skin below his eyes to keep himself from crying. “Instead… he started talking as soon as his ass hit the seat, arms flailing wildly around him and nearly smacking me in the face. He was all… blue eyes and smiles, and flirting and light touching. It was… he intrigued me.”

 

_It was winter break and they were sitting on top of Sonny’s roof, passing a joint between each other._

_“How did you know I was gay?” The question had been eating at him since they first met._

_“I didn’t… until I started flirting and complimenting you, and you started blushing like the Virgin Mary.” Sonny shrugged as if flirting with random guys was no big deal._

 

“In just a few short months… we had grown to be each other’s best friends, confidantes. Sonny would wake me up at odd hours of the night because he couldn’t sleep - insomnia and ADHD are never a good combo. We would walk around the park at two in the morning, passing a cigarette back and forth.”

 

_A whine fell from his lips as his back hit the chain link fence, “we’re going to get caught,” he whispered but made no move to stop Sonny from yanking his pajama pants down._

_“It’s three in the morning,” Sonny would counter as his hand wrapped around Rafael’s already hard dick, “who is awake to catch us?”_

_His fingers would wrap around the chain link, whimpers and moans falling from his lips as Sonny’s hand pumped up and down his dick, twisting and turning with his finger flicking across the head. “Sonny, I’m- God, I’m close.”_

 

“We were inseparable, that’s what my mami and abuelita said. Inseparable and falling in love. Our relationship was… it was hidden from everyone but my mami and abuelita, who were… so supportive. I was lucky. Sonny was not. He couldn’t tell his parents, he was terrified of being thrown out or worse. I was fine with it, I knew how hard and scary coming out can be.”

 

_It was a few weeks since they had graduated from high school. Sonny’s parents were out of town with his sisters, again, which meant they had decided to spend the week alone._

_A week alone included binging tv shows, cuddling for warmth (he had learned early on Sonny was a naturally cold person), sex… for fun, home cooked meals - Italian and Cuban._

_It was their last day alone before the Carisi family would be back from wherever they disappeared to and they were curled up on the couch watching some cop show. Sonny was wrapped around him like a monkey, almost, and was pressing light kisses along the back of his neck and shoulders and in his hair._

_“I love you, Rafael,” he said suddenly, pressing a kiss behind Rafael’s ear. “I know what you’re going to say… we’re only teenagers and we can’t possibly know if we’re in love but… I love you. I do.”_

_“Actually,” he cleared his throat and shifted slightly so he could look at Sonny, “if you had let me speak… I was going to say, ‘I love you, too.’”_

 

“On June 19th, two months before we were to head into college… he proposed to me. We had known each other for less than a year but I loved him, he was… he was the love of my life. He still is. We decided to wait until after college to worry about the wedding and I… I wish we had just eloped. I never got to marry him.” Tears had started to roll down his face at this point and no matter how hard or how many times he wiped his face, they kept falling.

 

_“Will you marry me, Rafael?”_

_When the words first fell from Sonny’s mouth, he thought he was joking - he was holding a ring pop. “Are you serious?”_

_“Well, yeah. I know... we haven’t been dating too long but we’ve been dating long enough for me to know I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he said with a small shrug of the shoulders and a shy smile, “and I’m fine to wait until after college for the wedding.”  
_

 

“On July 10th, Sonny came out to his parents and told them about his engagement… to me. He knew how they were but he thought if they just saw how happy he was, they wouldn’t care. He was wrong. They did care. They didn’t want a… a… faggot for a son. They said that to his face,” he covered his mouth and choked back a sob.

“On July 15th, Sonny killed himself. I came home from working a twelve hour shift at fucking McDonalds to find… to find the love of my life on the floor. Dead. His parents may not have killed him with their own hands but the fact of the matter is… he would still be alive had they not said and did what they did. He was only 18 and he had his entire life ahead of him. He was going to school to become a lawyer to help people, and now he never will. Because they stole his life.”

Rafael shook his head, rubbing his hand across his face and through his hair, “please find Mr. and Mrs. Carisi guilty for the murder of their son. For Sonny Carisi, a man full of light and love and... the need to help people.”

**Author's Note:**

> check me out on tumblr @ jewishbarba


End file.
